How to Save a Life
by ocdwithlhg
Summary: I don't know many things, but I do know one. I don't want to marry him. I want to marry Luke.


How to Save a Life

**Disclaimer: **Most everything belongs to ASP and The WB - except the plot, and the great song 'How to Save a Life' by the Fray.

**Summary: **I don't know many things, but I do know one. I don't want to marry him. I want to marry Luke.

Set sometime in late season 6.

**Authors Note: **Wow. It's been quite a while since I've been on FF! I haven't written anything in ages, but this song inspired me enough to actually finish something I write and I had the courage to come here again and update it for whoever wants to read it! Not the best or longest, but it sort of explains my feelings towards the show right now.

Anyways go read and enjoy and if you wanna be a doll, please review! Thank you.

Oh and PS - happy belated birthday Annick! (No, this isn't your gift. That's still in progress.)

* * *

I miss him more when I'm with him then when I'm not. That's because I think we've lost a part of our physical and mental relationship that I'm not sure we'll gain back and it scares me half to death.

I wonder why this is happening to us. Of course, something's happening to me. I'm not one of those people who pity myself; I love my life – even the horrifying twists I've had. I'm hoping this is just one of them.

I don't know if he hides so much from me because he doesn't trust me or if he doesn't think I'll back him up. But what I do know that he doesn't realize is that he's hurting me more than anything. It's like he's preventing me from combining our lives, and even though that sounds corny – it's true.

I've often tried to explain how I feel to him. But I don't even think he wants to hear. Not because he doesn't care about me, but because I think he's too preoccupied to realize I'm hurt.

Last week we went out to dinner. I brought up April but he quickly got the waiters attention and ordered me another glass of wine. I only had two sips.

After that, I think he realized I was being very distant because he asked if I wanted to dance while we waited for our food. The thought was sweet but I didn't want to _dance_ with him.

I actually feel bad because I think he's just afraid, confused, and doubts the faith I have in him being there for April, and even being there for me. Deep down, he knows I'm sad and frustrated but I feel like patience would clear those feelings.

I'm starting to re-think that, though.

I don't really know _what_ to do.

----

She doesn't want to dance and I know it's because of me. I think that she doesn't understand that I know she's sad. She's my Lorelai - has been for longer than she's realized – but I know how to read her…better than I can read myself. I know I've messed up, that I've waited too long to include her in this frightening experience. I know I could make things better if I just included her but I'm scared. And I'm even more scared to tell her that.

I still don't believe I have a daughter. I mean…it's not like a dog or something simple and silly. It's a _daughter._ _My _daughter. And it scares me half to death. I want her to be there so badly though because she's the best thing that's happened to me and I know she could help me.

I want to talk to her. I want it to be tonight.

----

_Step one you say we need to talk  
__He walks you say sit down it's just a talk.  
__He smiles politely back at you  
__You stare politely right on through._

----

As I pull into the parking spot near the diner, I gather the courage to tell her I want to talk.

"Can you stay over tonight? I actually miss somebody annoying me in the morning. Plus…I think it'd be good."

"You know, I shouldn't. I need to do some work before tomorrow and it's not looking too good."

I know she isn't in the mood but I insist anyways. "Oh, but I…"

"I'll see you tomorrow though, okay?"

I know there's no chance she's going to stay over. We haven't spent the night together in about a week now.

"Yeah…okay, sure."

"Okay, bye." She speaks to me coldly and I know she's upset. "Thanks for dinner by the way." She offers a small smile and an appreciative wave. "I'll see you later…" She wraps her arms around her body, preventing the cold from hitting her as she walks back to the car.

----

_Some sort of window to your right  
As she goes left and you stay right  
__Between the lines of fear and blame  
__You begin to wonder why you came  
__Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
__Somewhere along in the bitterness  
__And I would have stayed up with you all night  
__Had I known how to save a life_

----

As I get into the car, I regret leaving him. There's nothing more unsettling than leaving him on the wrong foot.

I don't know many things, but I do know one.

I don't want to marry him. I want to marry Luke.

----

It's 2am and I still can't sleep. I'm curious as to what he's doing. He probably is sound asleep, no cares in the world.

Maybe I shouldn't say that. I'm sure he cares.

The wind is picking up through my open window and I think of getting up to close it but I'm too tired to get up, to move. For the past month, sleep has been a scarcity.

I hear a pound on the front door and my stomach tightens. I figure I'm just hearing things. I turn over and close my eyes, trying to attempt sleep. The knocks don't decease though and when I realize they're not going to anytime soon, I get up throwing my robe on before I go downstairs.

I open the door and he stands, looking concerned.

"Hi." He says simply.

"Luke? What are you doing here so late?" Like I didn't know.

"As you left tonight, I realized you seemed a little upset."

"Just a little?" I mumble as I walk into the living room, Luke slowly following behind.

I sit on the couch and he sits on the chair across from me. He looks tired and confused and I know we're going to be up a while.

"Lorelai…."

"Luke…" I say mockingly.

"We need to talk."

"Yeah, clearly." I begin to get frustrated.

"Can you just give me a few minutes to explain? I've been wanting to talk for a while now."

"I'm listening." I said calmly yet sternly.

He pauses for a few seconds before beginning. "I know you're upset with me. I know you have been for a long time now and I know that it's my fault. I've excluded you from my life more than I've realized and I know it's hurting you. I'm not blind."

"Yeah well if you've noticed, how come you haven't done anything about it until now? I don't deserve that from you. I deserve to be included, I mean, I'm your fiancé, Luke. We're getting _married._ Don't you think I should be included?"

"I know that now. But you should have come to me about it if it hurt you that much. I don't like knowing that you're hurt, Lorelai…"

My eye's widened, anger suddenly rising. "No, no…no, no, no, Luke. Don't say that."

"Wha--?"

----

_Let him know that you know best  
**Cause after all you do know best**  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you_

----

"This was _your _deal, _your_ idea. You told me that it'd be better if we had an agreement to let you have your own life with April. You told me that it'd be best to let you handle it. You basically, in short, told me that I'm one part of your life and she's another. That it'd be best to leave the two alone and I respected that Luke. I gave you your space and I let you walk all over my feelings. Call me stupid, but I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I know I don't know everything despite how much I make myself seem like I do, but I don't. All I know is that I gave you that space because you asked me and I love you so much that I figured that's what I was supposed to do. It makes me sad and really, really hurt Luke, that you don't include me in this…other…life of yours. But I didn't want to say anything because I thought it would be childish of me to complain because you didn't _want_ me there. But I've re-thought that and realized that the only childish thing I was doing was letting you walk all over me and exclude me from one of the most important things _in_ your life. Now…now, I don't know if it's because you mainly don't care, which I doubt it is because you're not like that, I know, but I really don't know why you don't include me and it only makes me sad."

I take a long, deep breath before meeting his eyes. I unloaded a lot more than I expected but it was overdue and God damnit, _I was right_.

He takes a few seconds before responding. I know he is hesitant. "Lorelai…" I know he's at a loss of words. "I'm not sure what to say. I mean, I…you said a lot things and I got one large point out of it. You're angry -- "

"I'm not as much angry as I am upset."

"Upset too. But I have to explain that I never did that intentionally, to hurt you. And I need for you to understand that. I mean, think of it from my point of view. I find out I have a daughter. I find out that I have a daughter that's been around for years and I just didn't know how to take that. It's hard to adjust to…it really is, and I'm still adjusting. I guess for a while, that was the only way of adjusting I knew how to do. I know, I should have included you but I didn't think. I really just didn't think. I didn't think that this would all be as big as it is, but it really comes down to one thing. I didn't think at all. And I think that this could be a great lesson for us to learn from. I mean, I think you and I were alone so long that we've both adapted to these extremely independent lives. And combining them is very tough but I think for the most part, we've done a good job and now I know that this isn't something I can keep from you. But I do know that from now on, I _want_ you to be a part of this. I've know that all along but I've just been really confused and…" he hesitates in a way that I know he has to think about his words, "scared because I don't want to lose you over this."

It doesn't take me long to respond. "You know that I wouldn't drop you out of my life because of this. That's the last thing I would do. I want to be there for you but you have to be willing to accept that. I'm not trying to point fingers and blame you for all of this cause it's not your fault, but I just want to make sure you feel comfortable, especially with me of all people."

"Of course I feel comfortable with you," he says quickly. "It's just hard. That's what I need you to understand also. It's a lot to adjust to, and I know that if you were there for me all along, it probably wouldn't have been so tough but I guess I just needed time to myself; to try and figure things out, which I have. And as you can tell, I can babble almost as much as you can."

I laugh softly, admiring his humor. "Almost, but not quite."

"I'm glad I got that off my chest." He says, with a sigh of relief.

"Me too." I say quietly, closing the space between us by leaning over and hugging him. "Me too." I repeat, whispering it in his ear.

"Let's go upstairs," he pulls on my hand lightly and guides me up the stairs. "Are you tired?" He asks.

"More than I can explain." I collapse into bed, dragging him down with me. He gets up to turn the lights off though and then gets under the blankets with me.

I instantly attach my body to his, tangling my legs within as I lean into the crook of his shoulder. "Thanks for coming over tonight."

I feel him smile against my cheek as he kisses me lightly near my ear.

And before I go to sleep, I mumble quietly.

"I've missed _you._"

Fin.

* * *

Please review! Even if you hate it. Oh and for the record who wanted to die when April called Luke dad? Ahh, it's all too real for me!


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